Just A Glimpse

“June you is my favorite you.” That’s what one of my nearest and dearest said to me last year as the month approached. I agreed with her; June me is happiest me.

June is the month of dad birthdays, of Pride, of Midsummer and Litha celebrations. June is when the days are at their longest and the darkness is most at bay. June is for air conditioners, ice cream trucks, and kids screaming on the last day of school.

I definitely meant for all of these things to happen. There was going to a be a lot of ice cream, and lots of wicked gay stuff. I look forward to June.

Instead, I have spent most of the month on the couch, resting, falling asleep with the TV on. To those who know me, you know that’s not me. I haven’t been eating much, because every time I do, I feel overfull and miserably sick for hours. Keeping up hydration has become my daily mission. I go from the couch to the bathroom, back again, so much so that I wonder the dust doesn’t settle in the groove my feet have carved into the floorboards. I haven’t been working; I can barely able to summon the energy to handle dinners and bedtimes and rides for Lucy. I haven’t been able to focus to read or write very much, and being upright for about 3 hours at a time is all I can manage before I need to rest. Yeah. To take a rest – from sitting upright. 

Beyond the actual symptoms I’m having, I don’t know what is wrong. It’s a bit of a waiting game. There’s no easy answer to what’s going on, so I’m waiting for test results, waiting to get in to see a specialist. It’s not just for gut stuff, either; even my dentist is booking into September for a cleaning. 

The whole medical system is inefficient at best, and those who work in it overtaxed, underappreciated, and burned out. It’s impossible to think that I’m not suffering from some of the same, but I’m just as sure there is more biophysical going on as well for me. 

I’ve missed the run I trained for, a fundraiser for work I bought a new dress for, and all but the very first Pride event I had on my calendar. I’ve had to be miserly with my energy, keeping to a minimum of commitments I’d made. I was able to see my southern friends as they rolled through town, I just couldn’t give them the proper Boston experience. I am grateful I was able to attend my sister’s wedding, and meet her lovely in-laws for the first time, but missed out on the other family fun planned for the weekend. 

And still. I am so lucky that while I don’t have answers, and feel generally like crap most days, I have had an amazing support network to help me out. My sister and newly-minted brother-in-law have been instrumental in keeping me and Lucy going; those more far-flung have helped me remember that rest is not just OK, it’s necessary. I need those reminders, at least daily.

I hope things improve from here, and I have it in me to write the way I want to in the next couple of weeks. For those who follow along with the blog, however, I wanted to give you a heads up as to why the page has been silent these past few weeks. Keep an eye out for the next real installment, hopefully later this month.